Robbed

I guess I don’t like admitting I have a problem. I’ve always been the one to help other people so saying, “I need help” sounds just….so………..wrong.

The thing is I know I need to change. But I’ve never spent time or energy on myself. At least not for the things I wanted to pursue. I’ve spent countless hours trying to become the person I thought everyone else wanted me to be. The problem with that is that no matter how talented one thinks they are at reading people, you still can’t read their mind. So an educated guess is all you could get. And sometimes that’s accurate but sometimes you just end up getting stuck in your head and projecting your impossible standards so that it seems like they are coming from others when in reality they are coming from the devil within you, the one plotting your destruction.

We truly are our own worst enemy. Maybe you’re not all like me, but my most common past time- notice I didn’t say my favorite- is playing devil’s advocate. You would think the years of pain and tears that game has caused me would convince me to quit, but like a drug I feel I deserve to feel that way, for better or worse.

Eventually the devil within me takes away my will power, my motivation. He steals it, hiding it in a corner that’s too painful to access. But I know I can’t just sit here crying, “robber!” I’d never get anything done in life. I guess that’s why I haven’t. I haven’t accomplished what I want to. There are so many dreams I’ve had and that devil clipped my wings at an early age.

That devil plays double duty: one day it’s the doubter calling and the next it’s the impeccably high expectations. It’s either, “how could you possibly think you have the skills and talent to do this?” or ” alright, prove it. But you gotta go above and beyond to prove yourself.” But to some degree you need them both. They’re trying to keep me in my place. But I also have to put them in their place.

You can’t believe everything everyone tells you. Nobody has it all figured out. We want to believe that successful people get it, that they are successful because they figured it out. The truth is they just figured out one way to get the results they want. There is a reason life doesn’t come with a manual. We’re supposed to figure out how to troubleshoot and there’s no one right way to do it.

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